I want to be a speck of dust

I want to forget myself- the accumulated knowledge, the quest for love and self inquiry, the meaning of god and everything else. I want to drop all books- spiritual and non spiritual and delve into the world of fantasy and irrationality. I want to hide my vulnerability in the silence of the night and cry away in isolation as I seek emotional validation. I want to lose this endless battle of learning and unlearning. I want sweet repose.

I want to forget all dimensions of space. I want to erase time- past and future and be in the now. If you asked me what the now meant, I would probably not know. And I would know it too. But I don’t want to know anymore. I am tired of reasoning and rationalizing. I want to forget what it is to be alive. I want to forget the touch, tastes and sounds of the world. I want to lose love, approval, acceptance and desire. I want to kill passion and keep moving in this endless flow of existence.

If you were to be driving down a long winding road, you would find me hidden in the crevice of a rock, in a speck of dust. I want to be a speck of dust. I want to erase myself. Be nothing, feel nothing and know nothing.I want to be a robot- unaffected by emotions, events and thoughts. I want to live a life of utter ignorance. I want to drop this jaded skin. I want unconsciousness and suspension in this limbo- formless, thoughtless, nameless…

I am the most tired woman in the world. I am tired when I get up. Life requires an effort I cannot make. Please give me that heavy book. I need to put something heavy like that on top of my head. I have to place my feet under the pillows always, so as to be able to stay on earth. Otherwise I feel myself going away, going away at a tremendous speed, on account of my lightness. I know that I am dead. As soon as I utter a phrase my sincerity dies, becomes a lie whose coldness chills me. Don’t say anything, because I see that you understand me, and I am afraid of your understanding. I have such a fear of finding another like myself, and such a desire to find one! I am so utterly lonely, but I also have such a fear that my isolation be broken through, and I no longer be the head and ruler of my universe. I am in great terror of your understanding by which you penetrate into my world; and then I stand revealed and I have to share my kingdom with you.

― Anaïs Nin

8 thoughts on “I want to be a speck of dust

  1. I love this, It’s amazing how a lot of people feel like this, tired of everything, of the world, of the pain and of loneliness. I can’t deny I feel like that sometimes but there’s always little things to live for even when you don’t have any idea of what you’re doing here.

    • Yes, although that is true, I want to shut down completely you know for a while. Just take a break from myself. Sometimes, we all need it 🙂
      But thank you so much for your kind words 😀

  2. Its not life that I’m tired of but the people in my life – family and coworkers – whose willful bigotry, ignorance and disrespect more often than not drives me to despair. For the most part I enjoy my life when I’ve with my son, watching a movie, reading a book or writing a poem, essay or short story. But its gotten to the point where the people I have to deal with on a daily basis if I want to be able to afford taking care of and providing for my family as well as the other things that make my life more enjoyable and worth living. Are driving me absolutely up the wall with their verbal assaults and to fend them off – defend myself or apply the concept of “the best defense is a good offence” – I’ve said some really horrible things that if my grandparents were alive would shame and embarrass them. Having been forced to constantly adapt all of my life to overnight changes in situations and people along with being held to a different and higher standard than everybody else. I find that the older I get the less ability to adapt to different situations and people I have become. If I ever get the opportunity to be financially independent I would not hesitate to quit my job; and purchase several acres of land in the middle of nowhere in order to wall myself off from the rest of the world and only communicate over the internet.

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