I still think about you

Hey there. It’s been a while. About six months? I have started to lose count. The days seem to be less blurry though.  My vision seems to have cleared now. I feel and see things differently these days.  I feel these pangs of vulnerability, creeping up to me every night. I also feel these outbursts of joy, peeking their way out of the most mundane things. Between these two, I see glimpses of you.

I think about you sometimes. Well, a lot of times. Okay, well all the time. I miss you. I miss the way you leaned close to me hanging on to my every word, as if it were a jeweled drop. I remember the way your voice sounded in the morning, all husky and thick with sleep. I loved those times when you would catch my furtive glances and throw a wink in my way. I miss those times when a simple smile would make me blush.

I miss your presence in my life. You have left behind a gaping hole which no soothing song or motivational book can fill. You have left behind love: irrational, unconditional, irrevocable love. You have taught me passion. You have taught me to be human, bringing to surface my innermost impulses and desires. You showed me what it was to be really free.

I move around lost going from one person to another, just wishing to see that familiar glimpse of care, of hopefulness, of unbridled joy that I saw in you. But glimpses are all I can get. Till then, I wander around lost, hoping and searching and wishing. It’s hard to find people like that, you know. It’s harder to find people like you.

People tell me it’s madness, that I must move on. But I know better. What we had was real, was true, was love. And I am not going to let it go. It’s what makes me, me. It’s what keeps me awake at nights like these, helping me pour my heart out on paper. It’s this madness that keeps the child alive in me.  It’s this madness that causes this incoherency as I struggle, seeking words that cannot possibly describe what I feel.

Till then, I will retreat to my blanket, thinking about your cuddles and your scent. I will imagine your warmth and will make it through another night, feeling the pangs of vulnerability as I sleep. I still think about you at these times. Well maybe, most of the time. Okay, all the time. Do you?

6 thoughts on “I still think about you

      • This is well written, but it has missed a few things. You think about that one person who taught you to live. But do you know how much that one person demanded? That one person demanded love from you. May be many other things which would please your love were demanded. Maybe that one person saw you imperfect, and left you. May be that one person still loves you but because of differences in nature, because of differences in thoughts or may be because of no hope regarding your future, that person cannot be with you.
        This is all a probability which everyone sees in a love like this. How did that one person teach you to be human? May be that person did teach you. How did that person teach you passion? What is passion? And, What is love??!! Is love a mere demand? Or is love something which ends? And what is Freedom? It MAYBE that the person taught you these things! But then why did the person leave you? Is being away actually the end of love. Is separation the end? May be, for a love like this. I am using the word “may be” because i want you to know that this kind love is a victim of uncertainty. yes! this uncertainty can be overcome if both the sides are strong. But that too comes under the head of “MAYBE”!
        So where is sure love which never dies? well, there is.. Look at your parents. The way they took so much pain to make you capable to love, to think the way you think today, will anyone else take it? May be. 🙂 But the love of your parents isn’t a chance of probability. it was there it is there and it will always be there. look at this silent strength or power beating within you. Has it ever demanded any thing from you? has this power in any case not helped you? Has this God ever turned a deaf ear or ever ignored looking at your well-being? No. and all of this has never come under a probability. It was for sure for your good, done my powers who truly love you. These things were always sure to be for you. is love merely an attraction to opposite sex? I read your previous (i don’t know exactly which one) article where you talked about unleashing the natural nature of animals within us. The only animal ism present in us is regarding the “survival instinct”. the rest of us is not present in any other species. and that is what makes us human. the way animals love is far more different than the way humans love. (scientifically proven) The human love is far more concerned regarding the spiritual side of love, and not just reproduction. This human love needs to be realized. You need to get out of the box which confines you to a small definition of love. but people then ask. Does that mean that we should never love? No!! You should love the opposite sex (or the same one, depends on you), but you should not kill yourself everyday if you lose your love. because there are many more people and powers loving you and you need to realize it before you die and then have to come here once again and start from square one to realize the same thing!! Love will happen, if it has to. It will die, if it has to. It will sustain if it has to. It doesn’t entirely depend on you. Even God has a plan for your well being and it is obviously a better one than yours. So the solution is to stop thinking by turning towards meditation and becoming a little concerned about where your thoughts are running. That itself is the sole purpose of life, to control your thoughts!! to merge with the whole universe and realize that there is love everywhere as a source of creation. Love is the creator and the creation. And the small attraction to someone should not be the reason why you should ignore the ocean of love. You taught yourself whatever you feel that person taught you. You were the source of your happiness and you are the source of your present sadness. Thus it is said, “you are responsible for your own state of mind and body and life.” I am telling you all this after crying continuously for one week, vomiting blood, turning blue and other stuff, just because someone who loved me (or i thought that she loved me) has now turned out to be not even concerned whether i am alive or dead. Life is wonderful, and makes you stronger each day. What only matters is that you realize the purpose of life i.e to involve by becoming stronger to emotions which means to expand it to the whole universe rather than just one person. Love will surely come as one person, but in time, when God wants it to. And always remember, what is born, has to die. even love. But when God wants it, it will be taken care of NO MATTER WHAT!!

      • That was truly inspirational..although I cannot express how much it means to me, your words really give me strength to look beyond these parameters…Thank you so so much 🙂

  1. Awwww… I love you! 😀
    But in other matters, its a post that is able to crawl under your skin, the words catch you in the deepest nooks of your heart and well, I still love you! ^_^ 😀

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