I still don’t know…

Sometimes I wondered if there was any hope left. When all I had was dying bit by bit everyday…bit by bit…eating my insides and convoluting them…till they seemed beyond repair…I shivered and I blacked out…I kept telling myself,’ Be strong be strong be strong…’ self imposed expectations kept me from breaking down though I knew one day, it would come…and  would hit…harder than I had ever imagined…and I would be shattered…and yet, I kept telling myself…. Be strong be strong be strong…what was this thing that kept me in a piece when I felt so breakable?  What was it that told me…keep breathing keep breathing…and yet hit everyday?

I was fortunate…I had many who helped me…many who I thought didn’t…I found little solace in their words…the need to resist overcame all….anger boiled in my veins…eyes reddened and all I had was nothing…no one…or maybe I thought so…that’s what they said…and what did I say?

I wanted to fly. I wanted to write. I wanted to dance and sing my heart out…I wanted to enjoy…and yet what lay ahead of me was inevitable and daunting as it seemed…I wanted to prove myself, but to whom and for what? To bring back the once lost glory and fame of being the best? Or the satisfaction of it turning out all right no matter what?

Who to believe and what to believe in? I had to go my own way…one voice stood out from the rest…nothing is going to be fine…to make it so; you need to be fine…that struck a chord…something stirred along with disappointment…disappointment? Disappointment of the dream shattering…the dream of life being fairy tales…were the struggle and the tears inevitable? Why couldn’t it be easy sailing?

Who to believe and what to believe in? I still don’t know…

This entry was posted in Somber. Or something like that. by Ria Gandhi. Bookmark the permalink.

About Ria Gandhi

“I really think I write about everyday life. I don't think I'm quite as odd as others say I am. Life is intrinsically, well, boring and dangerous at the same time. At any given moment the floor may open up. Of course, it almost never does; that's what makes it so boring.” ― Edward Gorey

5 thoughts on “I still don’t know…

  1. There are always times like this in everyone’s life.There’s only one person we can rely on always and at anytime and that’s ourself:) By the way..its a gud writing!

  2. Its amazing how we can relate ourselves to everything that keeps happening around us and yet feel that we’re the only ones suffering from it and no one can ever understand what we’re going through…
    Very well written.. 🙂

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